


Rules and  Regulations for Being an Immortal Crime Lord in Los Santos

by willowsandwonders



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Canon Typical Violence, Fake AH Crew, Immortal Fake AH Crew, temporary major character injury/death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-21
Updated: 2015-09-21
Packaged: 2018-04-22 19:28:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4847516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willowsandwonders/pseuds/willowsandwonders
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As if running with a gang of immortals that are too fond of explosives wasn't hard enough, there's a rulebook too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rules and  Regulations for Being an Immortal Crime Lord in Los Santos

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a short little thing to set up the framework for a much larger au that I will probably end up writing stuff for one day, maybe? Who knows? This is definitely an au that I would like to revisit  
> Also the tags are kind of vague but the temporary character death occurs in short but potentially gory descriptions and there is a brief mention of suicide, just a head's up

         There are rules to it, ones that are rarely spoken and more often than not, learned the hard way.

     No one kills Ray. Not after they were still riding high on the realization that they were well and truly _unstoppable_ now, untouchable, and Geoff was paying just too little attention to the gun he was cleaning and it went off, a bullet clean through Ray’s throat. He’d watched in horror as Ray slid to the ground and choked on his own blood, eyes full of nothing but agony. Ray would wake up hours later and not speak for a week, partially out of pain and partially out of spite, waiting for his anger to boil and fester before shooting Geoff right between the eyes and only offering a shrug when Geoff complained about his terrible headache.

     Mercy kills are allowed, but only when absolutely necessary. Respawning, especially after a major injury, took too long to bounce back from enough to be fighting fit. There had been a time when the cure for a broken leg was a bottle of painkillers, but then the respawns wore them down for too long, left them achy and dizzy for days instead of hours. They made it five weeks without a team-kill and two weeks without a respawn, a record they’d brag about to each other and inwardly brace themselves for the other boot to fall. And it did, hard and fast, when Ryan spent half a heist in an alley with his hands keeping desperate pressure on his chest, unable to call for help because if he moved from the gaping knife wound on his chest he was going to lose an organ. He spent the next week dancing between life and death when an infection set in before Jack couldn’t stand it anymore and murmured an apology as she kept pressure on a specific point of his neck and he smiled as everything faded out.

     Don’t take respawns for granted. It was a hard rule to follow sometimes, ‘fuck it, I’m immortal’ too easy to tack on to the end of a bad idea. But it was hard to forget the time that a grenade went off too close and it took Jack a full day to come back, and another day still spent immobilized in pain as her nerves stopped reminding her of the blinding explosion. None of them would admit it out loud, but as the clock had ticked later and later they’d thought that she wasn’t coming back at all.

     No weapons during arguments. It should have been common sense, immortal or not, but they’d just gotten back to the penthouse after a less than successful heist and Geoff and Ryan were still armed to the teeth and _furious_ , not even at each other, but both needing an outlet. Ryan would swear up and down that it had all been an accident, that Geoff had moved to duck out of their screaming match right as Ryan swung his gun through what _should_ have been empty air in a meaningless gesture of anger, but everyone had heard the sickening crunch as the butt of his assault rifle cracked Geoff’s skull. Ryan would shove his mask back on and slink up to the roof, hiding from everyone even after Geoff woke up.

     Don’t be a self-sacrificing bastard. It was one thing to take a few risks to cover someone’s ass, and yet another to shove them out of the way and take a round of bullets from a minigun head on. Michael had an especially bad habit of doing the latter. No matter how many times everyone woke back up with sore muscles and spinning vision, he never felt _sure_ that maybe their miracle phenomenon wasn’t going to run out. Deep down, they all shared that fear, but in the thick of a firefight there was nothing to be done but swallow it done and try to trust in everyone’s luck and ability to hold their own.

     Never leave a crew member’s body out in the field. Sometimes they woke up in the penthouse, sometimes they didn’t, but sometimes they got _stuck_. When Gavin’s jet had taken too many hits and went down in a plume of black smoke, they knew he was dead and there was no time to make a fuss over it. But then he never popped back to life in the penthouse with an embarrassing lack of clothes, or the empty stretch of beach where he sometimes ended up, or in the miles of city streets they scoured. When they returned to the smoking embers of the crash site with sinking hears, they found him speared through in the cockpit by a jagged beam of metal, tears running down his face as he died over and over but could never survive long enough to get out and heal. Months later he refused to even mention it, but it was common knowledge that it never quite left his dreams.

     There were plenty of whispers around the city about Ramsey’s ‘band of freaks’ and all their ‘lucky close calls.’ They paid the rumors little heed and they followed the rules and they brought the city to their knees and never stayed dead for long. Their lives were never easy, but at least they sure as hell were interesting.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you have any feedback or questions or anything of the sort, please leave them in the comments!  
> Also my new mission is to legitimately use "fuck it, I'm immortal" somewhere in this au as an excuse to do something unwise


End file.
